Last Night
by kinatsurune
Summary: Make tonight the best night of your life. [S1 Ep12, from the real Jack Harkness's POV]


"I'm Captain Jack Harkness, 133rd Squadron."

Had he been anyone but himself, Captain Jack Harkness would have completely missed the minute widening of the other man's eyes, the wide smile falling just ever so slightly. Had he been anyone but himself, he would never have noticed the way the other Captain seemed almost stricken by his name, though it lasted for less than a second.

But ever since he was very young, Captain Jack Harkness had always been hyper sensitive to what others around him might be thinking or feeling. It was a habit borne from necessity after all. Only later in his life did it benefit something more than just basic survival, when it became useful for accurately gauging the state of the men he was in charge of. It could have been either their physical limits or their emotions, but either way he could act accordingly, and know exactly how to approach whatever situation was at hand. It was what made him such a well-liked and generally popular Captain - or so people had told him.

Thus, Captain Harkness had a fair bit of confidence in his ability to read people within seconds of meeting them. And what he was getting from this Captain James Harper was more than just a little confusing.

The Captain seemed to react to him with great sorrow, though he didn't have the faintest idea why. He was positive they had never met before, yet the way the other man kept looking at him with pain in his eyes indicated something deeply personal. It confused and intrigued him greatly, and it was this curiosity that he told himself was why he felt so drawn to the other man.

His confusion only increased as the night went on and they spent more time together. It was quite easy to chat with the other man - he exuded a certain honest confidence that he couldn't help but envy, just a little. But the easy conversation itself was what confused him further, for by now he could tell that for whatever reason, _he_ was definitely the cause of the other man's distress. If that was the case then, resentment, or jealousy, or any kind of tension would have been expected. Not these heartfelt words urging him to go after Nancy, in a softly earnest tone that he strongly suspected wasn't this man's usual manner.

He might've thought Captain Harper was trying to consider Nancy's feelings - that perhaps, he pitied her, recognized that she was clearly more in love with him than he with her. But watching the other man suddenly open up to him, pain clearly written across his face as he recounted his friend's torture and death - no, it was something deeper than that. The Captain wanted him to understand something that he couldn't quite grasp.

"...he hadn't lived."

His own words came unbidden, and without a thought. "Have any of us?"

And it was at this moment that he began to consider - maybe it wasn't quite so important for him to find out _why_ this stranger wanted him to live the night. Maybe he simply should.

Maybe it was his turn to be just a little bit selfish, just this once. He loved his country, and would die for it without a moment's hesitation. He loved his men, and did everything in his power to keep them safe. He'd always given his all, given everything for everyone and everything - but never for himself. He'd never ever let it be for himself.

But it was war. Any night could be his last.

_"It's okay to be honest with yourself..."_

This man, this complete stranger was trying to impress that upon him so hard that he had laid bare his own painful memories in the hopes that he would understand this. That perhaps the only way worth living was honestly, and how much of a shame it would be if he never let himself do so.

The thought burned in his mind. He wanted to follow it - tried to, as he reached out for Harper's hand, slowly linking their fingers together and squeezing, ever so gently.

But a sudden moment of clarity could hardly overcome a lifetime of hiding, and he allowed his resolve to break so easily.

Far too easily.

He'd always been brave for others - he could honestly say there wasn't a single man or woman he knew that would call him a coward. But that was exactly what he was, because he'd never dared to believe he could ever have what he wanted.

Did he really deserve so much less than what he gave to everyone else?

_"This could be your last chance..."_

He had lived his entire life lying to himself, and to the world. He'd learned to read the signs, to gauge the growing disgust on everyone's faces and fix himself accordingly. He'd told himself over and over that he was correcting something wrong in himself, and only then could he survive this world.

But that wasn't enough anymore. It should never have been enough. It was suddenly clear to him, that he would rather dance today and die tomorrow than live 50 more years, hiding, wondering, and regretting.

So that was exactly what he did. And for the first time in his life, Captain Jack Harkness stopped caring what other people thought of him. For the first time in his life, he stopped hiding behind his fear and guilt. For the first time...he lived.

_That certain night, the night we met,_  
_There was magic abroad in the air,_  
_There were angels dining at the Ritz_  
_And a nightingale sang in Berkeley Square._  
_I may be right, I may be wrong,_  
_But I'm perfectly willing to swear_  
_That when you turn'd and smiled at me_  
_A nightingale sang in Berkeley Square._

* * *

**A/N: So here's a little background for this story (I put it at the end because it's a little long lol and easy to skip if you don't want to read my emo ramblings XD)**

**I just started watching Torchwood a few days ago. The first episode I saw was Captain Jack Harkness (season 1 episode 12), and it touched me very deeply. Why? Because 1) it was the first time I saw such a blatant, unapologetic potrayal of gay (well technically Jack is omnisexual I think?) men in a mainstream (or somewhat mainstream?) show and 2) it's about a gay/bisexual man gaining the courage to show the world who he really is.**

**I've never felt comfortable socializing with most people because I've never felt comfortable in my own skin. I struggle a lot with extremely low self esteem, and no matter how hard I tried, I felt like I could never find anyone to really relate to, though I had no idea why. But recently I've started to realize a possible reason - that I'm either bisexual or omnisexual (still trying to figure it out), and this was why I always felt detached, or even disturbed by so many things around me. I won't go into the gory details, but basically...realizing this kind of explains a lot of my insecurities, which is a huge step for me.**

**How's this related to Torchwood? Because I watch a lot of TV, and usually get pretty emotionally invested (probably unhealthily so). And I feel like the reason I do is because I'm subconsciously searching for some kind of validation - that if I couldn't relate to real people, I might at least have fictional characters to relate to. That way I could tell myself that I'm not completely abnormal. So finding a show like Torchwood that's not afraid to show a nonheterosexual couple was just...so gratifying. Jack Harkness isn't even bi, he's friggin omni/pan, which is pushing the norms even further!**

**So...yeah. This is why I'm now obsessed with this show. Plus, you know, the other normal reasons...Jack Harkness just being so badass :)**

**Anyway, this little oneshot is my way of writing down my reaction to seeing this episode for the first time. A lot of what I wrote in the fic reflects my own feelings, like hoping someday I'll be able to stop feeling so guilty for just being who I am.**

**Thanks for reading.**


End file.
